you don’t want to go there.
trust us.
frank assessment
Most brand consultants either haven’t seen unthinkable horrors in the cloaca of the internet, or pretend they haven’t in order to preserve their dignity. We don’t need to, we don’t have any. We’ll tell you what your new logo looks like and potentially advise you not to google it.
colourful content
If you want the sort of weaponised beige creative agencies usually extrude, just feed your product details into ChatGPT and press “defrost by weight.” If their content makes you feel like you’ve been drinking hand soap, call us instead.
complete discretion
If you bring us something that would have been an unmitigated debacle on rollout and we help you dodge the bullet, we’ll keep it to ourselves. Everybody has stupid ideas sometimes. We’re here to prevent you from being remembered for them.
that’s gonna bite you
We’re what’s pejoratively called Very Online. Something perfectly banal on Friday night can develop some extremely nasty associations by Monday morning, and we’ll have been obsessively glued to our phones watching it all come unstuck in real time. (We do that anyway, we just want to get paid for it.) If it’s coming, we’ll see it before you do.
you keep using that word
Your audience does not think it means what you think it means. Idioms, like currency, can’t be relied on to cross borders consistently even within the Anglosphere. Translating your campaign isn’t a milk run – “bless your heart” and “fanny” mean entirely different things in (for instance) Alabama and Yorkshire. We can rework US content for and between Commonwealth countries and back. Don’t make a donkey of yourself in public, ask us to laugh at you instead.
stop digging
When you’ve released something truly regrettable, there are times when a swift and unqualified apology can forestall the worst consequences. There are other times when kowtowing to the baying mob will undo the goodwill you generated launching the campaign in the first place and boot you precisely nothing. What never, ever works is delaying, equivocating and buck-passing. Throw us the keys to your socials real quick.
snarkmerchants.
we’re the white hat trolls you wish you didn’t need.